In a development that has left canon lawyers checking their calendars and neurologists checking their notes, sources close to a certain Baltic Sea diocese report that His Eminence has begun referring to the liturgy as “that long meeting with the candles.” Decision-making has accordingly been subcontracted.
The new acting authority is a Swedish cleric whose vestments feature an unusually geometric cross and whose sermons quote both the Fathers and certain interwar pamphlets with equal enthusiasm. He has entered a working arrangement with several groups whose stated goal is the prompt abolition of the Church, on the shared tactical ground that Arabs should not be allowed through the narthex. The bishop, when asked to sign the relevant notice, is said to have inquired whether the paper was for the collection or for his afternoon nap, then signed both.
Parishioners attempting entry are now met by a handwritten board and a polite request to produce either a baptismal certificate from 1938 or a convincing impression of a Nordic fjord. The anti-church collaborators applaud from the sidewalk, the Swedish priest adjusts the bishop’s omophorion so the signature remains visible, and the bells continue to ring on schedule because no one has yet remembered to countermand them.
By Fr. Spyridon Tanous
